I love giving to others. It is one of those things that I do best. And my favorite way is to give without others knowing it was me, even though I know. I was smiling the other day when I was remembering leaving enough money at the coffee place for the next person to get their coffee that day for free. Last night, I was the recipient of such a simple and kind gesture. It still has me shaking my head wondering, “Why would someone do that for me?” Even though the action was not made by a complete stranger, those things don’t happen to me and I question their meaning when I shouldn’t. Sometimes it scares me and I want to run. Once I fight through all of the questions and actually let my head stop for a second, my heart gets a turn to let me see her side to everything. As I stop to breathe and let me guard down, that is when it hits me. Like a sack of bricks falling from a 3-story building, right upside my temple. That’s when I fall…when I put down the walls and let it happen because it should and I accept that someone cares THAT much to take a few hours out of her day to help me. The question, “Would you do it for me?” when asked of me always gets a loud “YES.” The admission that comes next sometimes is hard to swallow, but I know I have to let it come to me. I am better at giving than receiving. Always have been. I do not do the receiving of anything very well. Never have. Even though it doesn’t happen like that for me. Even when I might regret saying too much right now. Even if moments from my past sometimes creep into my today. I am reminded of telling kids that when we give of ourselves without any expectations, we actually do get something in return. I also say that doing the smallest things that we might take for granted might just mean the world to someone else. The smallest, tiniest little things – words and actions – most of the time can mean the most. The choice is not mine to make and I have to let that choice be made. Even if I don’t like it, but especially because someone wants to give to me. It is still processing right now. I have to find the courage to let someone love me, but it is hard. But with the smallest of things, please know that it simply meant the world to me. Still does. Always will. Thank you.
Michelle Homme 2011 ©