It was shared recently that I used to hold back when something upset me, but now I share my true feelings. Sometimes those true feelings get me into trouble but at least I am being honest and say what I need to say when I need to say it. But, I also want to hold back when I realize or believe that I am wearing too much on my sleeve for all to see. I want to do that right now…I want to hold back. I have given people all that I am and all that I have and it’s still not enough. They hold back and I don’t feel like I get all of them. The walls go up. I am torn with following through with a promise I made to holding back and retreating until it means more to them. I am not running…this is different. This is a break where I need to really find out what I am made of and where I stand. I could not sleep most of the night as I was perplexed about what to do next. I still don’t have an answer. Part of me wants to step away and let things ride out. The other part feels like I need to stay true to what I said I would do. If I do that, then I would be faking my way through it because I would want to say more. We all hold back and try to tackle the world on our own, but we need each other and it makes tackling the world something that is much more manageable. The world doesn’t seem so big and heavy then. Holding back creates walls and walls create separation. Separation creates distance and distance creates empty space. I do not want empty space. Please, don’t hold back. A&E. Always here.
Michelle Homme 2011 ©