Today was the first morning after the committment of October 1st that my running partner and I would normally run. She told me she would come this morning and part of me was thinking she wouldn’t. She doesn’t have to – her obligation was over – and I have told her that whatever happens now is “whatever.” I have been hurt in the past just when I start to let my guard down and let someone in. Then, something happens and I have learned I can no longer rely on that person – everything I knew changed and I did not like it. Because of that history, it has been very difficult to let her in and not expect her to leave too. I would have understood why she didn’t come and even though I would have been hurt and angry, I am familiar with what that feels like, so that would not have been new. I jumped out of bed at 4:45am, hoping that she would be there, but still not expecting her to be there. As I sat on my front porch, getting my iPod ready, I come across a song that makes me think of her. My hands are clasped as I say a quick prayer, as I feel the crispness of the morning layer of air that surrounds me. I get lost and just breathe for a few minutes. I need to quiet my heart and believe in her – I have to believe that I mean more to her than just someone to run with in the early part of the day. She has always believed in me…even when I did not see anything to believe in. I am so focused on trying to decide what to feel next that I don’t realize that she has pulled into my driveway. She gets out of her car, I give her a big hug, and she asks, “What’s wrong?” I simply reply, “You came.” As easy as that was for her to be here this morning, that gesture told me all I needed to know (but maybe didn’t want to believe until now). She has left her footprints on my heart that will never wash away and I am very grateful. Having her continue to want to be there and make that choice is something that is very new to me. Thanks, Rock, for all you are to make me who I am.
Michelle Homme 2010 ©