With a heavy sigh, I find myself here. Trying to be everything I know I am, and yet, I find myself in somewhat familiar territory. Everything that I have fought hard not become sometimes comes to the surface a little too easily.
I tell myself that I must let my heart guide me and when I do, I back pedal. I second guess. I doubt. Sometimes, I even regret.
Numerous times, I have wanted to take back words I have shared when I allowed myself to be very honest and extremely vulnerable.
I could probably count on two hands when I didn’t have to convince myself to stand firm in the choice I just made. When my decision was solidified the moment I made it and nothing would ever convince me otherwise.
But there is one thing I have noticed about this constant argument…one side must win.
It is up to me to decide which one.
Easier said than done, right?
Every decision we make we expect one particular outcome and one outcome only…
The ones the bodes in our best interest.
No matter what we say or do, we hesitate because we are unsure of the result of said words shared or actions taken. Even once we have chosen (one way or another), we replay that moment over in our minds asking ourselves, “Should I have said that?” “Did I do enough?” and everything else that you and I could recite together as a ritual we all practice. The one we don’t want to admit to others. The one we might even be ashamed of, as the struggle becomes more difficult to live one life in front of others while secretly living something different behind closed doors.
For years, there was only one “player” in this game and it was always my mind. I never had to fight through doubt and fear of letting someone see me for who I really was because I kept everything tucked away. For the most part, I didn’t even acknowledge it myself. It just wasn’t there.
Now that my heart has tasted a bit of freedom from the confines of its once-prison, it seeks to be heard more than it ever did before. At times, I think it gets me into more trouble than I am used to and that’s when “all hell breaks loose” and the confusion begins.
Then, I made a startling discovery that changed everything and it is centered on one major thought…
You see, my mind (like the others in this video) all let their mind win the argument and every time, they regretted it later. They talked themselves out of living fully in the moment…of allowing ourselves to feel something…of giving of ourselves to others.
Our hearts became something to hide, something to be ashamed of, something to dismiss as unimportant and unneeded.
Logic and reason have its place in our lives, but we cannot live with that at the forefront all the time. We might as well be robots.
We are human beings with emotions and feelings and hearts that deserve a chance to be heard and listened to and shared. It might mean something as simple as breaking open that shell a little a time or it might be that one drop that sends the banks over spilling like never before.
Even though I have come a long way, I still have to work at it.
But no matter what my mind and heart are fighting over, I always come to the same conclusion…
If I truly wanted to live a fully engaged life, leaving everything out on the table, with the possibility of not being here tomorrow or some other day down the road, would I want to have lived my best moments with questions that never seem to have an answer or trusting in the one thing that has never lied to me? It has been wrong, but it has never intentionally been dishonest.
With that kind of thinking, my heart will win the fight every time.
Michelle A. Homme 2016 ©