Irony is a funny thing. For example, growing up I never thought I would leave the state of California, yet the more I have lived here in Nebraska, the more I never want to live in California again. Nebraska has become my home, although I will always say I am from the “OC” before the “OC was the OC”. Remember, I could not tell you where Nebraska was on the map. I was thinking about a different kind of irony today, though. I was remembering how many times I wanted to run from someone else because the thought of her and what she could be to me terrified me. I was nervous about it all, having one step inside the door and the other outside, just in case I needed to bolt in a hurry. In fact, I was prepared to bolt, certain that the need would come. It was easy to run…without realizing I had done it my entire life, I knew it would come again. It was sure to, right? Then, when things got turned upside down, the last thing I wanted to do was run; I was ready to put both feet inside the door. There were times when I wasn’t ready to fully commit and tried to disappear from it as quickly as I could, hoping that any damage done would be minimal. Not for her, but for me. I had done that for so many years. But then, when a choice was made that I had no control over making, I was ready to be here; I was ready to be in it for the long haul. Maybe it was because something I had longed for and always believed to be out of my realm, was right in front of me. Even though it was there, and I could see it and feel it, I discounted it as being my imagination. After all, this just doesn’t happen to me. I mean, when I had it in my hands, I was more afraid of having it and yet when I no longer had it, I wanted it so much it hurt. Have you had irony come to you in ways you never thought it would? Where feelings take you places you never thought you would go? Even after it was said and done and another choice was made (another one out of my control), I was now hesitant. I questioned it again, even more so than I did before. It was difficult for me to stay again. Is it ironic when you change something that affects the outcome of something else, never realizing that it would have that effect? Things change, but change does not mean bad…it just means different. When we doubt and wonder, we have but one thing and one thing only that keeps us grounded and reminds us of the truth…our heart. It is not easy to stay, but things happen as they are meant to and we do all we can to link things and see the irony that must have two parts. There can be no irony with just one piece of the puzzle. Just like there can be no catch-22 with one dilema. Irony exists where we think it won’t and its significance will show itself at some time, when we least expect it, and only when we look back. Here is the irony to the this post…even though I know you live where no one else can see, have no doubts that you are there, and am reminded of what I trust, I still miss you. Every day.
Michelle Homme 2011 ©