Insecurities

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They exist in everyone.  Even when we think they don’t.  And heaven forbid anyone ever see them, let alone we admit them to ourselves, even.  Some of us just deal with them and admit them for what they are — things or situations that make us feel uncomfortable and uneasy.  Others try to cover them with selfishness and egotism that shines brighter than any star.  We see it, even if you think we don’t.  Being in the spotlight is not something I relish, but know it also comes with the territory.  Last night, I was stunned by a text from someone who thanked me for empowering her and giving her permission to walk through the door that I pointed out to her.  I do not accept praise well and will make my escape any way I can.  That is one of my insecurities and I admit it.  I do not like to hear about myself, although I am not sure why.  What do you cover up?  Why?  It amazes me when someone does something that would appall most people, but the person saying it doesn’t get it, and maybe they never will.  That words intentionally said are meant to hurt and then they wonder why it was wrong.  I have wronged people in my past and will again, but never intentionally and I am quick to apologize, probably when it isn’t even necessary.  I have lost friends because of words that I said…when I told someone how I felt…and it was taken in a way that made them feel guilty.  I can’t control that, but it makes me leery to say anything more or to let my heart lead.  When you get stung a time or two, you don’t forget the pain that goes with it.  But we try to learn from those moments and as apprehensive we may become with hesitation quick to follow, we should not let our insecurities decide for us.  Some take longer to dismiss than others and is not something that can just be randomly tossed aside, like a used dish towel.  The stains are deep and are not so easily washed away.  Egos are something that I never can fully grasp and cannot feed.  I prefer to hang out in the background and watch things happen, but don’t have to be right in the center of the room to know what is going on.  Some insecurities stick around for a long time…some disappear over time…others fade quickly. Know which one is which and admit that we all have them.

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